Yes, I know sales - as a concept - is a very necessary and yet distasteful evil, but S'truth... there are limits! Recently, one of these sales creatures (Hey, remember I am a cat, so every other species is a creature to me) an example that eventually exhibited all the traits of the worst kind, and I do concede there are very good and honest versions - arrived with short notice - yes, it has taken me all this time to calm down, collect my thoughts enough to write this entry. Anyway, this creature didn't announce himself as a salesman, or that he was indeed selling anything. No, he was a 'consultant' and he desperately wanted to help "solve our problems."
"Oh, really!", my boss said in gleeful surprise. My boss can be totally inscrutable, and loathes most salespeople as much as me. But, he seems to take particular delight (after years of corporate exposure) in draining every last drop of green blood from them, until they are left lifeless, limp, and only too desperate to escape to their typically badly parked company wagons.
"Well, you'd better come in." he said whilst smiling across at me with narrowed eyes and an uncharacteristically enigmatic expression.
Unusually, this one had no sharp suit, no loud tie, but sheesh could he talk! Jabber, jabber, jabber, on and on and on he went.
My boss abruptly interjected.
"How exactly do you intend to solve our problems then, Mikey?" He pronounced the name 'Mikey' in an intentionally over-friendly and well, terminal way. "... And, precisely which problems to you mean?"
Run man, RUN!
Oh dear, I knew what was about to happen, but hey, I'm a cat, and love to see humans squirm...
This interjection seemed to flummox Mikey, and he stopped dead in his tracks. "Er... well! ...it's er... like this."
Oh shucks... I was just starting to get gleeful at the idea of a good spat, but nah, this ones lost it already... hummm. I drearily started to examine my claws, whilst listening intently for any flicker of contentiousness.
Then, something odd struck my feline eye. This creature had a number of those coloured bands around each wrist. No... not the fantastically multi-coloured examples to show some great achievement for the good of others. No, these ones looked suspiciously out of place, and well, certainly tacky! Gradually, his slow mind realised that my boss had also spotted them, and then he became almost self-conscious about them, and started writhing and gesticuklating his sweating, spindly aftershave-soaked prehensile forelimbs, in that oh so revolting way that sales people are taught... "How to use your hands to gesticulate, to inspire and get your point across." YUK!
The deeply embedded Cheshire cat genes encoded oh so deftly into my DNA started to emerge and do their beastly work. I smelt BLOOD at last!!
No, these weren't any old bands, these were sales badges of honour, and he and we knew it! The proverbial cat was out of the bag, and he knew there was no way out of it! This was the identifying key to joining the sales elite. There is quite definitely a sucker born every minute, and here was the evidence. S'truth, there were revolting little sales slogans and captions embossed on them. Oh, pass the sick bowl someone.
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Now, the sales world is disgustingly littered with all manner of "sure-fire" selling systems. The only problem is - and no sales person ever seems to understand this - that selling cannot and should never ever be reduced to a FAD system. To put this into context, some of the best 'accidental sales people' I have ever seen are technicians and engineers, you know the (underpaid when compared to sales folks) kind of people that have to 'go in' after a systems have been sold, and somehow make the wretched things work, or at least do the things or tasks they were sold or told they would do.
True life example: a while back, my boss invited two annoying friends to have lunch in the hopes that they would do business with each other, and keep of my bosses back. Well, they ended up really hitting it off, and later when he informed one of them that the other person liked him very much and wanted to do business immediately, he responded with absolute and genuine surprise.
"Really! Are you sure?" he asked, "because I'm not a salesman!"
In this case, what he didn't realize is that he was selling by being himself, and the importance of example goes way beyond one's approach (or lack of) to closing a deal. It is the absolute antidote to all the silly, gimmicky, let's try one of those sales techniques that pass as wonders of the sales world. YUK!
The multi-headed problem with nearly all these sales systems is not only that they don't work, but even worse, they encourage unscrupulous or bogus salespeople to jump from one cheap stunt to another. How many times have I seen salespeople - whether they be business owners or commissioned reps - po-going from one charade to another, stumbling onto a new gimmick touted as the 'wonder closer' to all wonder closers, only to find that in the real world it just don't work! So, they drop it like a red hot potato and then move on to the next dud.
The real reason the 'non-salesman' friend of my boss succeeded as a "salesman" is because he was driven by real and genuine elements:
- A genuine interest in the other party
- A self-honesty and integrity others can perceive and believe in
- A True interest in understanding the other party's challenges and opportunities and in seeking solutions to them (as opposed to simply moving products and services off the shelf)
- A steely determination to reject gimmicks of all kinds
So, if you don't possess the resolve to avoid gimmicks, you become a gimmick yourself - just a transparent hawker of products looking to wheel and deal even when there's no value in it at all for the client.
So don't be or act like a salesperson for Pete's sake! Be a person who happens to make sales because you do all of the other stuff right.
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Oh, and what happened in the end with Mikey? Well, he was a well-practiced computer sales rep, pushing software and hardware sales support using a nasty and evil sales tactic - attempting to scare, terrify, apply divide and conquer tactics, and then triumphantly and sagely announce that he can save the potential victim by employing their typically overpriced, under-supported, probably outdated and doubtless insecure and unsafe methodology.
My boss casually mentioned he didn't really need assistance as he had both an MCSE and an MCSA, and already had a certified system in place.
"What are those?" inquired Mikey.
Nuff said! Case closed.
Night, suckers...
