Over the course of the last few years, I have gradually noticed a behavioral change to the rodent population (what's left of the little tossers) in the garden. The little blighters have become more bolshy, and now take two swipes instead of my usual singular knockout backhands!
So, in my spare time I have been conducting an experiment in my laboratory under the garden shed. I have been gradually formulating and refining this set of experiments to frightening and extreme proportions…
It is an established fact in my world that cat wee scares away all mice… okay, FACT! But, I have discovered through meticulous research (okay, don't ask how it was motivated… ) but, I have also discerned that it also acts like an aphrodisiac to the females!! Shock, horror!!!
During my research, I have discovered that the odour makes male mice much more macho (ala Mr. T), helping them lure in more females (sneaky tossers) - even after I have bonked them on the nose for being bolshy, and just asking for a good punch up the conk!
In feline case-studies, my associates in controlled conditions found that cat wee typically caused mice to panic or flee (little chickens), although apparently it has been discovered that there is a rare species of parasite that can infiltrate rodents miniscule brains, lobotomize them and make them suicidal, by seeking cats out!!! Mmm… who are these parasites? Where can I meet one… Facebook?
I had expected that really stressing out a 'normal' mouse would really scupper its love life, and scared and whimpering mice are not sexy… well, I wouldn't really know (let's not go there… )
Yes, as I have said already, and I know this might sound weird, but I don't like mice or rodents… can't stand 'em... just not worth the effort of all that running, catching and all that. One chomp and they're gone. They are over-rated, and in my opinion are just nouvelle cuisine to the more self-indulgent glitterati of the feline world… tossers all!
Anyway, as part of my experiment, I wanted to see if a whiff of me might serve as a mouse repellent to help keep the wretched little rodents away, and out of my garden. So, despite earlier misgivings, I troubled myself to catch some prime examples of the little thugs, restrained them (garden tie-wrap is a wonderful thing) in my lab (tied to bamboo canes) and subjected them to about eight weeks of me 'watering' that part of the garden… ha ha!!! Revenge is a dish best served cold, only in this case not so cold…
Well, even a cat as intelligent as me can be surprised! Unexpectedly, after eight weeks of watering them with yours truly did NOT lead to more cowardly and cowering mice, as my calculations had predicted it should!
Instead, I found that the males became even more bolshy, and indeed in knockout punch measurements endured over twice as much punishment as normal! And, indeed the males started picking fights with the other males!
What's more, these new Rambo mice were much more delectable to the females. Females do tend to like the bad ones… such is life!
So, in conclusion (and to my surprise) I always thought my very presence in the garden was enough to scare off these little tossers, but my conclusions are that:
- Prolonged exposure to my esteemed presence (in all its forms) only makes the males even more of a blessed nuisance.
- What's worse, the females like the more aggressive males, that in turn promotes even more aggressive males that can survive the constant threat of my presence.
As Homer Simpson would say: "DOH!"
Guess I'm going to stay more in the office. At least it's warm - if noisy! (see yesterday)
Nighty night, suckers!
tintin@griffwason.com
www.griffwason.com
