Some bright spark in the office has had an electronic 'cat flap' (hate the term - sounds so uncouth, and deeply insulting)installed in my outside door. Now, as I go through it, I feel like a forgetful shoplifter making a fast exit, desperately trying to remember whether I have 'nicked' anything or not. Doesn't seem to matter anyway, as this wretched thing makes an appallingly loud BEEP every time I go through it - guilty or not.
It doesn't matter whether I'm going out, or coming back in, the wretched thing is a total giveaway to my privacy. I wasn't even consulted whether I wanted this wretched thing installed! Effin' cheek!
...just to make matter worse, there are two flashing lights (red and green) that just seem to have been installed to annoy me even further. Of course being a responsible citizen, and being fully versed in the highway code, I'm not sure whether I'm supposed to stop, walk, halt, wait, or just effin' headbutt the stupid thing.
Also, I don't know which clown is controlling these daft lights ...the door is transparent moron, and I can see there's no traffic coming, so whatever all this is about, just don't have a clue!
Then, just when I thought it couldn't get any worse (see the week I've had so far), I have today discovered just what makes this wretched thing work.
Talk about a police state, the lack of rights for the citizen: late this morning, I was carted off to the veterinarian, inappropriately handled, and had a glass chip thing jabbed and then injected into the scruff of my neck, without even a bye your leave. On arriving back home, I was once again picked up, and had my head shoved through the cat flap in the office door a couple of times to program this wretched thing into operation.
In, out, in, out, IN, OUT, IN OUT, ...beep ...b-beep, beep, the wretched thing would go each time my poor head was stuck through the hole... each time being thunked on the head by the flap itself.
Okay, okay, I give in. The effing thing is working!!! hoo ray, now get lost and let me get to my prawns! Still seeing stars just re-living all that!
Only, it wasn't that easy. Now, whenever I even approach the door, the lights start flashing, if get too close it beeps, and then clicks as the lock to the flap releases... talk about Colditz!
So, it's life in an open prison for me, heads raise every time the flap beeps (yeah, surprise, surprise! It's me! - who else? I'm the only one the dumb thing will let through the door... who do you effin' think it is, dumb cluck!
So, from now on, no sneaking in or out when I shouldn't. My only problem now is working out which side of the flap is the prison...
...How's your day been?
Night, night, cellmates!
www.griffwason.com
